Today, I feel stripped. I woke up grateful. I woke up with prayers of faith. I woke up happy for everything that we have. I woke up in peace. I made my coffee and faceted with my Mom on the other side of the country. I thought today would be a good day, a productive day and then I looked at my clock and it was one pm in the afternoon and I was still sitting in my track pants and sports bra with an unwashed face on our stair case. Dishes were still on the kitchen counter, school work…..well that wasn’t even thought of today, I wanted to step out and get groceries because I need bananas and almond milk and all the things …but I couldn’t. If I had to bring my children to the grocery store the Covid Police on the local facebook nosy lady groups would post about how I am a super spreader of “the virus” or something crazy and then I would be emotionally reactive and probably lose my sh*t. That’s the kind of day I had.
My son has spray painted red hair (and so does my garage). A superficial argument with my business partner, life partner over miscommunication, I don’t even think I have eaten today except the two strawberry cream pies that came with my teenagers birthday dinner… like who the f am I?!
In the real world, I would pour some pre work out and head to the gym or do a drop in hot yoga class, go visit a girlfriend for a glass of wine or we would take a “kid break” and go out for dinner but now we are confined with our stresses, stripped away from the things that used to help us cope and we are found having to cope in the stress in real time with the things that ARE stressing us out. This picture I took, is a picture that has so much feeling. We had a rough day together him and I. He feels stripped of his friends, stripped of his education, stripped of a Mom who used to take the kids to do all the fun things. We had to take a time out from each other tonight, then when he saw my camera he asked if he could take the picture. He took a couple and decided this was “the best one”, we smiled and I pulled him close to feel his little body relax against mine before getting him ready to bed.
I can’t watch any news anymore, it’s all so confusing and to be frank, against my truth. I can’t feed into the hype of the world right now, it’s not in me. It’s funny, last week we thought about having one last kiddo to the tribe and today… today I want to swim in the ocean alone. Life is so funny some days. Tomorrow..tomorrow I know I will wake up with a smile, refreshed in the morning, making my coffee (with almond cream). I am going to encourage our family to all become meat-free…except fish, the boys love fish. I might try a new recipe and hopefully take the kids for a long walk around the ponds in our community to look for lady bugs. I will stop and smell the flowers and look up at the sky and thank Mother Earth for another day. I will read a verse in the bible. But today…today I’m stripped of the smiles and encouraging words….
Goodnight to the beautiful, brave and alone. Goodnight to the lonely, the loved and the overworked. Goodnight to the worried, the happy and the calm.. tonight..it’s just “Goodnight”.